One tri-state area psychologist and author on dating topics, Paulette Sherman, explains that serial daters are people dependent on early-dating romance. The chase, the novelty, and the freshness of a brand new dating partner excites them in ways likened to substance abuse. Just like someone might feel thrilled and excited by doing cocaine or taking methamphetamine, a serial dater may experience a rush of dopamine when interacting with someone new for those first initial weeks or months of a relationship.
However, the excitement quickly fades, the serial dater becomes bored, and they move on to another ‘exciting’ situation. This pattern often repeats in a cyclical fashion. Sherman lays out the reasons that a person might be drawn to serial dating behavior:
- They prefer consciously pursuing fun and know they don’t want anything serious or committed
- The thrill of the chase excites them and the power of romancing many partners at once may increase their self esteem
- Some people have a deep fear of commitment but also fear loneliness. This may indicate that the serial dating is a result of negative attachment styles or issues.
- People prefer the glamor that might come with singlehood, and can use this to facilitate narcissistic need-fulfillment behavior in relationships
- People are genuinely confused about what they do or don’t want in a relationship
But Is Love Addiction Real?
The science says that a person can’t actually be addicted to love or relationships. However, many of the feelings and behaviors associated with serial dating and relationship dependency align with addiction behaviors and symptoms. A 2016 study found that intense romantic love activates the same brain reward systems as substance use. Take a look:
- Being unable to focus on anything except a relationship
- Feeling totally wrapped up or consumed by romantic feelings
- Experiencing disruptions in daily life to focus intensely on love
If you identify with these types of symptoms, fear not! A study conducted in 2017 showed that substance abuse disorder symptoms and consequences last far longer than love withdrawals or negativity associated with serial dating. This means that while you may fear that you have a dating addiction, it’s probably never going to reach the serious extent of substance use and the brain damage it inflicts.
When a relationship ends, you might experience what feels like ‘withdrawal’ symptoms:
- Anxiety
- Sleep problems or insomnia
- Changes in appetite or weight
- Feeling down or depressed
But here’s the key difference: while these feelings are very real and intense, they’re not the same as actual physical withdrawal from substances. What you’re experiencing is more likely grief and the natural response to a significant loss.
How Does Serial Dating Affect Recovery?
All forms of relationship building require balance, mindfulness, and boundaries. Research shows that healthy love relationships can be incredibly supportive during recovery. A supportive partner will see the person in recovery as a whole person who is defined by more than their addiction recovery. They will offer genuine support without judgment, and they will respect the sober person’s boundaries and new lifestyle.
Dating in recovery, however, can be an entirely different process–and serial dating should be avoided, as the strain can work against relapse prevention:
- New relationships can be intense and distracting from recovery work
- The emotional ups and downs of dating might test your coping mechanisms
- Meeting new people often means navigating social situations where substances might be present
The key is balance. If you’re thinking about dating in recovery, here are some research-backed insights to consider:
- Set clear boundaries: successful recovery often involves being selective about who you let into your life
- Prioritize the platonic support network first: have stable, supportive relationships (like supportive family or close friends) before diving into dating
- Honesty is the best policy: pay attention to whether dating is supporting or challenging your recovery goals
After weighing your options, remember the importance and effectiveness of keeping up with ongoing mental health support services, therapy, and recovery education throughout your sobriety journey with us. Contact us today–we’re here for you!
