It’s typically recommended that people in the early stages of recovery refrain from dating due to the temptation to focus on the “high” of a new relationship instead of the self-improvement that is necessary to sustain long-term sobriety. However, once you have a year of sobriety under your belt and are ready to begin dating again, you may find yourself struggling with how to best approach the subject of your addiction with your new partner.
When to Share Your Recovery Story
You are not required to tell someone you just met that you’re in recovery. When a relationship is new, it’s normal to not want to share every detail of your personal life. Your health history is just as sensitive as information regarding your finances, religion, or political views. If you’re still getting to know each other, taking things slowly is a sensible approach.
However, dating in recovery can be tricky because many first dates do involve alcohol. If your date doesn’t know why you can’t drink, it may be awkward planning to meet in a bar or going to a house party where everyone else seems to be drinking. Someone who doesn’t fully understand your commitment to your sobriety may not understand why you keep declining offers of “just one” drink.
Keep in mind that your partner may find out the truth from someone else—especially as your relationship progresses. If your friends and family already know about your addiction, someone may inadvertently spill the beans. Or, if your past includes an arrest record related to addiction, the subject may come up if your partner Googles your name.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Handling the Conversation
Although every relationship is different, here’s a general guideline for how you may want to approach sharing your recovery story with your partner.
- Pick a quiet place for the conversation. Whenever you’re discussing sensitive information, it’s smart to choose a location where you won’t be disturbed by others.
- Express that you care about and trust your partner. Talk about how you’re committed to continuing to move forward with your relationship.
- Don’t apologize for your past. Addiction is a disease. It’s not a character flaw or something caused by a lack of willpower. You don’t need to apologize for being in recovery any more than you’d apologize for having high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other chronic illness.
- Explain what made you realize you had a problem. You don’t have to share every single detail, but it’s helpful for your partner to have some understanding of the severity of your problem.
- Describe your treatment. Briefly talk about your time at St. Joseph Institute for Addiction’s Pennsylvania substance abuse treatment center, your outpatient therapy, 12-Step support, and what self-care strategies you’ve found helpful to stay on the right path.
- State what your partner can do to show support. Depending on the circumstances, this might include staying away from places where alcohol is served, leaving certain nights free for 12-Step meetings, or taking time to chat regularly about your recovery goals.
- Offer an opportunity to ask questions. Someone who hasn’t personally experienced addiction may not understand what it means to be in recovery. Letting your partner ask questions shows that you are committed to being open, honest, and truthful—all attributes that speak highly about the future of your relationship.
If you’re nervous about the conversation, consider practicing what you want to say with your sponsor, counselor, or a friend you trust. The more times you tell your story, the more confident you will feel.
Finding a Path Forward
Ideally, your decision to share your recovery story will be met with unconditional acceptance. However, you must prepare yourself for the possibility that your partner might not be comfortable with this aspect of your past.
When your partner doesn’t support your recovery, keep in mind that this is a reflection of their personal issues and not an indication of anything you’ve done wrong. For example, someone who grew up with a parent who struggled with addiction might worry that they aren’t emotionally strong enough to handle dating someone who has the same issues. In this case, they’re putting boundaries in place that they believe are necessary to protect their own mental health.
Dating is never easy, even for people who’ve never struggled with addiction. It takes time and patience to find that special someone. Have faith that as you continue to work towards building a wellness-focused life for yourself, you will ultimately find a partner who can fully embrace every part of your recovery journey.
