In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other 12-Step programs, a sponsor is someone who serves as a voice of reason in your recovery journey. They are established with their own sobriety and have agreed to support your efforts to work the 12-Steps, but the sponsor/sponsee relationship is considered temporary. As such, either party is free to leave if they believe the relationship is no longer effective.
Reasons to Consider Moving On
Every relationship is different, but the following are all valid reasons to consider ending your relationship with your 12-Step sponsor:
- Your sponsor is too busy. Sponsorship requires a significant time commitment, and someone who has never been a sponsor before might not fully understand this. Alternatively, your sponsor might have work or personal commitments that make it hard to be fully available for you.
- Your sponsor is uninterested in your recovery journey. If your sponsor is negative, rude, sarcastic, or more interested in talking about their own problems than your efforts to work the 12 Steps, you should definitely think about ending the relationship. You need a sponsor who is a role model and a positive influence.
- Your sponsor seems to be on the verge of relapse. An effective sponsor needs to be secure in their own recovery. If your sponsor is heading for relapse, they’re putting all your hard work at risk.
- Your sponsor believes there is “one way” to be sober. Your path to recovery is unique, so your sponsor needs to understand that the choices that helped them get and stay sober might not be applicable to your situation. Sponsors are not medical professionals. As such, they should never attempt to psychoanalyze you or recommend specific medications.
- Your sponsor has intolerant attitudes. A sponsor who discriminates based on gender, age, race, religion, or sexual orientation, or says things that are overly critical of aspects of your lifestyle not related to your sobriety isn’t going to be effective.
- You’re sexually attracted to your sponsor. Beginning an intimate relationship with a sponsor is asking for trouble, which is why 12-Step programs discourage participants from seeking a sponsor of the gender they are sexually attracted to.
- You can’t trust your sponsor. Trust is crucial to an effective sponsor relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your sobriety journey, your sponsor isn’t going to help.
As you’re thinking about breaking up with your sponsor, remember that no relationship is perfect. Ending things with your sponsor over one minor disagreement is never a good idea. Your sponsor should challenge you and encourage you to grow as a person, so expecting the relationship to be conflict-free is unrealistic.
How to Break Up with Your Sponsor
If you decide it’s in your best interests to end your relationship with your sponsor, be honest yet respectful. Arrange a quiet and distraction-free place to meet. Even if the thought of confrontation makes you uncomfortable, you should resist the urge to break up with your sponsor with a text, email, or phone call.
Thank your sponsor for the time and energy they’ve given to support your sobriety. Say you don’t feel the relationship is working out, but you are grateful for the experience and wish them continued success in their own recovery journey. There’s no need to provide an elaborate explanation or give your sponsor a list of things you think they did wrong. Someone who understands the 12-Step program is mature enough to realize that the sponsor/sponsee relationship isn’t always going to be a good fit.
If you already have someone in mind to serve as your new sponsor, consider asking them for advice on how to best approach the conversation. Oftentimes, your new sponsor will have tips on how to deliver the news and counter negativity if you think your previous sponsor might be hurt or offended by your decision to end the relationship.
If you run into your former sponsor at meetings, there’s no need to feel bad about ending the relationship. Making choices that set you up for a successful recovery is part of what being a member of a 12-Step group is all about.
Get the Support You Need to Continue Moving Forward in Your Recovery
At St. Joseph Institute for Addiction, we encourage graduates of our Pennsylvania residential drug and alcohol addiction treatment program to incorporate 12-Step support as part of their continuum of care. We also offer ongoing counseling support to explore any challenge you’re facing in your recovery journey, such as deciding whether it’s appropriate to consider finding a new sponsor. If you’re committed to building a life free from the burden of drug or alcohol addiction, we can help.
