An active addiction can cause us to say or do things that are completely out of character. We may lie, cheat, or steal. We may lash out verbally or physically when confronted about our substance abuse. We may deeply hurt the ones we love the most. Part of the recovery process involves holding yourself accountable for your behavior. This means making amends to those you’ve hurt as a result of your addiction.
Making Amends as Part of a 12-Step Program
The word “amends” simply means “compensation for loss or injury.” In 12-Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA), making amends is covered in Step 8 and Step 9.
- Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
In Step 8, you’re acknowledging that you chose to act in a way that harmed friends, family, or others. Instead of simply blaming your behavior on stress, impulsiveness, or a quick temper, you’re holding yourself fully accountable for your actions.
In Step 9, you’re taking action to promote healing in your relationships as well as your own personal peace of mind. The thought of making amends might trigger feelings of anxiety, but your sponsor can help provide emotional support. It’s also wise to remember that you can move through this process at your own pace. Nobody is expecting you to correct years of bad behavior in just a few days or weeks.
How to Make Direct Amends
If possible, you should attempt to make direct amends to the person you hurt with your past actions. Every situation is unique, but some examples of how you can “make it right” include:
- Replace items that you stole.
- Repair items that you damaged.
- Pay back the money you borrowed.
- Complete tasks that you previously agreed to do.
Direct amends should be accompanied by a heartfelt apology that specifically addresses the harm you’ve done. Do not make excuses, attempt to minimize your actions, or imply the other person doesn’t have a right to be upset. Your apology should contain the following key elements:
- State what you’ve done to cause harm, with as much detail as possible.
- Explain that you are in treatment for your substance use disorder and committed to lasting change.
- Listen to what the person has to say without interruptions, excuses, or judgments.
- Validate their feelings—even if it’s painful for you.
- Ask what you can do to start the process of rebuilding trust in your relationship.
When you are making direct amends, it’s important to understand that you can’t control how the other person will respond. It’s possible that they may not be willing to accept your apology. They may need more time to heal from their anger or have their own mental health issues that are keeping them from moving forward.
How to Make Indirect Amends
In some cases, making direct amends is not advisable because the person has passed away or you could risk causing further harm. You should not attempt to make direct amends when:
- You’ve committed a crime.
- Your actions qualify as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
- The person is afraid of you.
- The person has their own mental health issues that could be exacerbated by confrontation.
- The person has asked that you not contact them further.
- You are planning to confess to actions the person is not aware of, such as infidelity.
Making indirect amends means you are acknowledging your faults and resolving to live better in the future. Some ways you can make indirect amends include:
- Make a donation to a charity in their honor.
- Volunteer for a charitable organization that is important to them and/or related to the harm you’ve caused.
- Take concrete steps to change your behavior, such as continuing to attend recovery-related appointments, completing an anger management class, or seeing a counselor to address mental health issues.
- Write a symbolic letter of apology in your journal.
- Meditate or pray to connect with someone who is no longer with you.
St. Joseph Institute Is Here to Help You Plan a Brighter Future
Our caring and experienced staff understand that a lasting recovery requires taking steps to heal the mind, body, and spirit. Care at our Pennsylvania residential substance abuse treatment program is personalized to fit individual needs and focuses on building the foundation for lasting recovery. This includes making amends and learning the skills necessary to build healthy relationships in the future. Contact our admissions representatives to learn more.
Looking for addiction treatment near Altoona, PA? To learn more about SJI Pennsylvania addiction rehab, and our programs, please contact us at (814) 228-8881.
