Gaslighting is a manipulative psychological tactic where a person tries to make someone doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. The term comes from a 1938 play titled “Gas Light,” written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton and later adapted into a 1944 version starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the play, a husband engages in a series of deceptive actions to make his wife doubt her perception of reality—including dimming the gas lights in their home and denying any change when she questions it.
Gaslighting can occur in many different types of relationships, including between romantic partners, family members, and close friends. Some gaslighters are fully aware of their behavior, while others unconsciously repeat patterns they learned from observing those around them.
How People With Alcohol Use Disorders Use Gaslighting to Avoid Seeking Treatment
Not everyone with an alcohol use disorder engages in gaslighting, but this behavior can often be a defense mechanism when a person feels they are being attacked and/or judged for their addiction. Here are some examples of ways your loved one with an alcohol use disorder might use gaslighting to deny their addiction and avoid treatment:
- Minimizing the extent of the problem. A person with an alcohol use disorder might downplay the extent of their alcohol consumption, making it seem like a minor issue or normal behavior. They might say things like, “I just have a high tolerance for alcohol” or “Everybody drinks like this.”
- Blaming others for their drinking. Gaslighting can involve shifting blame onto others. For instance, your loved one might say, “You’re just trying to control me” or “If you didn’t stress me out so much, I wouldn’t need to drink.”
- Using social comparisons and deflection. A person with an alcohol use disorder might point to others who they perceive as drinking more than they do to try to make it seem like their own behavior is acceptable by comparison. Or, rather than addressing concerns about their drinking, your loved one might deflect the conversation to attack you for your behavior, shortcomings, or problems.
- Planting seeds of doubt. Gaslighting often involves making the other person doubt their perception of reality. A person with an alcohol use disorder might say, “You’re imagining things” or “You’re just making this up in your head.”
- Manipulating your emotions. Sometimes, a person with an alcohol use disorder might play on others’ emotions to manipulate the situation. They might act hurt, offended, or wounded by accusations of excessive drinking, causing you to wonder if you’re overreacting or have somehow misjudged the seriousness of the situation.
How to Convince Your Loved One to Seek Treatment
Dealing with a loved one who is using gaslighting to avoid treatment for an alcohol use disorder can be emotionally taxing. It’s important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and a focus on their well-being. Here are some steps you can consider taking:
- Educate yourself. Use online resources to learn about alcohol use disorders and gaslighting. Understanding the dynamics of both issues can help you approach the situation more effectively.
- Stay calm. Gaslighting can be frustrating, but maintaining your composure is crucial. Avoid getting into confrontations or escalating conflicts—even if it means you need to temporarily walk away from the situation.
- Choose the right time to talk. Find a time when you and your loved one can talk without distractions. This will make them more open to a conversation.
- Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, it is better to say “I’ve noticed that your drinking has increased, and I’m worried about your health” instead of “You’re drinking too much.”
- Provide specific examples. Offer detailed explanations of instances where your loved one’s drinking patterns have been concerning. If you can, present concrete evidence of your loved one’s harmful drinking patterns, such as photos or text messages from situations where their behavior was negatively affected by their alcohol consumption.
- Express empathy. Let your loved one know that you care about their well-being and that your intention is to support them, not to judge or criticize them for their behavior.
- Be an active listener. Give your loved one an opportunity to express their feelings and perspective. Sometimes, understanding their reasoning can provide insight into their denial.
- Avoid enabling. It’s understandable if you want to swoop in and “save the day” when your loved one is clearly struggling. However, you should resist the urge to make excuses for their behavior or cover up the consequences of their drinking. Enabling can inadvertently support their denial.
How St. Joseph Institute Can Help
Alcohol use disorders are chronic illnesses, and changing behavior takes time. However, if your loved one is ready to seek help for their condition, our Pennsylvania residential drug and alcohol addiction treatment center can provide the care they need to build the foundation for a lasting recovery.
Contact us today to learn more about our services, including our specialized tactical recovery program created to meet the unique needs of Veterans, active military personnel, and first responders.
